The Skinny
(aka Back of the Book Summary in a Sentence)
Defying all common sense and basic reasoning skills, Bella, a human girl, decides to be romantically obsessed with a vampire who could easily kill and eat her if he so chooses.
Nutritional Value
(aka What’s Good)
This book is so popular it spawned a movie franchise, so I don’t even have to read the rest of the novel to find out what happens next. I can just watch the movie!
The movie is so popular that it spawned millions of YouTube videos, so I don’t even have to watch the 2-hour long movie. I can just watch the 2-minute long Honest Trailers!
Wow, this book is such a time-saver!
Freezer Burn
(aka What’s Bad)
The first chapter is 26 pages long. That’s 26 pages of Bella complaining about moving to Forks, living in Forks, her one-bathroom house in Forks, the weather in Forks, the clothes she has to wear because of the weather in Forks, the high school in Forks, and her first day at the high school in Forks. That’s a lot of complaining.
I looked up whether Forks is a real place. It is. I wonder how the citizens feel about this chapter.
Lingering Aftertaste
(aka My Prediction)
I’ve seen the movie trailers. You’ve seen the movie trailers. Unless the scriptwriters completely went rogue, I’m pretty sure Bella ends up in an unhealthy relationship with Edward. Because nothing says undying love like literally being undead.
Taste Test Verdict
(aka Would I Read More?)
This was not my cup of tea. In fact, it’s so far from being my cup of tea that’s it’s not even tea. It’s strawberry milk. And it’s not even in a cup. It’s in a couch cushion.
Memorable Morsel
(aka Quotable Quote)
Bella’s angst level. It’s over 9000!
It was nice to be alone, not to have to smile and look pleased; a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape. I wasn’t in the mood to go on a real crying jag. I would save that for bedtime, when I would have to think about the coming morning.
Get Twilight
Gwen thinks that it’s as close to magic as humans can get when a blank Word document is filled with groups of letters, and those groups of letters turn into lines, and those lines turn into a whole new world.
When Gwen isn’t reading or writing, she’s drinking boba milk tea and singing along to Steven Universe. You should sing along with her.